Obviously, countless people disapprove of getting high at work. Bosses hate it. The federal government strictly forbids it. Most of our managers and uncool coworkers turn their noses up at it.
But the truth is, some people require a little bit of herbal assistance to get through a day on the job. This is particularly true for jobs with little physical danger/coordination and repetitive, uninteresting labor. Anyone who has worked in an office sorting files or in a food service establishment knows exactly why they smoke on the job.
Still, how to do it? For the uninitiated, here are RYOT’s tips for a secret office smoke.
Step 1: Is Getting High a Good Decision?
Before you start sparking, you need to consider whether or not smoking on the job is a good idea for you. Will you be required to handle heavy machinery? Do you anticipate driving during the workday? Is there any chance that you or a coworker could be burned, cut, or otherwise maimed? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you should probably stay sober at work. Sorry, bud.
If the answer is no and you have a reasonable expectation of safety, the next question to ask is whether you could face negative consequences from smoking on the job. If you are a licensed professional, such as a doctor, does smoking or popping hot on a drug test compromise your license? Does your company drug test at all? If so, you may need to consider finding another way to get through the day. We hear good things about coffee and snacking.
If you feel like there’s no risk to getting stoned (for example, you work in a restaurant and your boss is smoking with you), then proceed to the next step.
Step 2: Smoke on the Go
We love bongs and dab rigs, but these elaborate setups aren’t feasible in the hustle and bustle of the modern workday. You’ll have to move to some sort of cold European country if you want to live that slower pace of life. Instead, you want a way of getting stoned that’s quick, portable, and easy to use discreetly.
We recommend products like an herb vape or a one hitter. These tools are small enough to carry in your pocket, quick to use in just one hit, and require little to no clean up. Additionally, neither is likely to cause a smell problem that needs to be cleaned up.
Some herb vapes are so unobtrusive, they can be used in a bathroom with none the wiser. A one hitter can’t be used indoors, but can easily be used outside on a lunch break. A one hitter disguised as a cigarette can even be used on the smoker’s corner outside many businesses, and nobody would suspect what you’re really up to.
Whatever your system, it’s best to try and avoid detection. Being too brazen with your habit can lead to consequences, even if your workplace is cool. Your goal is to smoke just enough to forget the soul-crushing nature of employment, without getting too high to get your work done. In our experience, even the bosses that smoke with you will let you go as soon as getting high affects your work performance.
Step 3: Clean up
If you are smoking flower, smell might be an issue to consider. A quick walk around the block or some body spray can help air out or cover the smell of weed radiating off your suddenly relaxed demeanor. You should also be sure to hide your stash and piece before returning to work. The whole “smoke secretly on the job” thing doesn’t typically work if you walk back into the office with your portable vaporizer or one hitter tucked behind your ear. Even a boss so unhip that their trousers are falling down can figure out what’s going on when you get that sloppy.
It would be a good idea to keep some cologne, eye drops, and a drink with you when you smoke, to mask the smell, red eyes, and weed breath that can happen as you smoke. Addressing these issues before returning to work keeps you completely inconspicuous. Do it right and people will just suspect you got a great cookie out of the break room vending machine.
Use your judgment. Everyone loves to get stoned, but being sober is sometimes an unfortunate necessity for maintaining employment. We like staying employed. It’s how we pay for stuff, like, weed and burritos. As a result, we try to stay off the smoke as much as possible at work.
Hitting the pen is an occasional necessity for getting through long Zoom meetings, counting inventory, and routine tasks. When we’re “on,” we’re focused and ready to go. We hope this guide keeps the new workplace smokers out there safe and on a steady track to promotion.